Living in a hamster wheel

I have been trying to work out if I would feel the way I do about myself if I were suffering from a physical ailment, rather than simply being a bit batshit.

For example, the proverbial pint of milk.

Some days, I can drive to the local fruit and veg shop on the outskirts of the nearest village and can shop there without any problems. Some days, I even manage to go into the village itself, find somewhere to park (old village, narrow streets, far too many cars…) and do normal things like go to the Co-Op or the doctor’s.

But on others, if I can’t find anywhere to park, I panic. One evening, I ended up driving straight through the village and out across the hills in floods of tears and was horrendously lost by the time I talked myself into pulling over.

And on bad days, just the thought of going anywhere is enough to reduce me to a quivering wreck.

Now, when I’m feeling quite rational, I understand that my panic reactions are nothing more than the PTSD at work – I can’t control the situation so my hindbrain overreacts and tells me I’m in danger – and my gut reaction to the “danger” is to flee.

However, just as I end up with a conflict between my rational self and my emotions on my bad days, so I spend my good days in an equally destructive conflict.

Meaning? Well, as I said above, my rational self understands what’s going on and tries to deal with “that” me with empathy and kindness. But something else in me (pride?) is appalled at what I see, views it all as a sign of weakness and failure and is, quite frankly, embarrassed and humiliated by the whole thing.

Would I be like this if I was recovering from an illness or an accident?

Well … probably.

Do I feel like this about other people who are in my situation?

Hell, no!

I would ask why I feel like that about me, but I already know the answer. Indirectly, it’s a by-product of my upbringing. But it’s also directly related to why I’m in this state to begin with. And if that makes no sense to you, don’t worry, I know what I mean.

And that is, I think, at the heart of why I am where I am. Maybe if circumstances were different, I’d have a better relationship with myself. But there’s only so much shit you can swallow before you end up blaming yourself for being in that position in the first place.

I suspect (well, know, since so many friends have told me so) that the first step to my recovery will be to accept what has happened and – more importantly – that none of it is my fault.

I don’t see it like that, however. And therein lies the problem – and the answer to my question.

Anyone else feel like they’re trapped in a hamster’s wheel?!

3 responses to this post.

  1. I was at the pet store last week, looking at the little critters with my kids. One hamster kept running halfway around the wheel, would get almost to the top and stop – he would tumble down to the bottom, then try again. I get it. I got it. I’m there. Thanks for your post :)
    k8

  2. Posted by Jan on 4 April 2010 at 8:20 pm

    Keep talking, it can do no harm, and we’re listening.

  3. K8, you’ll be thinking what I’m thinking?
    BMS, you are not alone, if that helps.

    http://operationlola.wordpress.com/2010/04/04/hatetrai/

Comments are closed.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: