Archive for January 6th, 2010

Picking up the pieces…

Well … I was going to write something witty today but my wits have been buried under several inches of snow, along with a large portion of my sanity, not to mention my anti-chocolate armour (a bar of chocolate is a bar of chocolate, right, no matter how big it is? Right? …)

Where was I?

Oh yes.

The snow.

I no longer like the snow.

Today, I was meant to have an assessment for counselling. Believe me when I say this was a Big Deal. It took a long time to come round to the idea that some sort of professional support was required. Then a bit longer to ring up and make the appointment. Thankfully, it was only a week but a week is a long time when something is looming.

But the appointment gave me something to aim for, a structure. 2pm Wednesday, Wednesday at two o’clock, a mantra, a rhythm, a heart beat.

And then it snowed and all appointments were cancelled.

I have to ring tomorrow to book a new appointment – that is, if they are open.

That’s the problem with pinning your hopes on something, you never know when the goal posts will be moved.

So it’s been a bit of a miserable afternoon for me. All that adrenalin had to go somewhere and it came out as a lot of rather negative bullshit, though, of course, at the time what’s real is what feels real.

A blip, a dip, a bloody great crater.

Use what metaphor you will, I fell good and proper.

But I’m back on my feet now, after several cups of tea and a couple of rounds of toast and honey.

This will not become a moan and groan blog, I will not allow it.

So here’s something to make you all giggle.

I’m currently staying with my friend H and her two kids, L and A.

H and A built a snowman this afternoon (L being far too aloof to engage in such activities with his mum and little sister!).

Spot the difference…

6 January 2010

6 January 2010

2 February 2009

2 February 2009

🙄

Edit: on re-reading, it occurs to me that I failed to mention the real reason I got back on my feet (well, on my arse on the sofa) – support from friends. Never underestimate the power of a phone call or a hug. Invaluable.

The private vs the public

It’s the early hours of the morning and after two nights of sleep, my insomnia is back. I would take the dogs for a walk in the snow but I’m now in a built up area, rather than the rural peace and tranquillity of Somerset, so staying in doors seems like the wisest course of action.

And so, some bad TV and the internet.

And over the past hour or so, re-reading the lovely comments some of you have left regarding my last post, not to mention the texts and Facebook messages, I have found myself wondering why I felt the need to blog about the anti-depressants.

And after dismissing several theories, I have decided that my motivation is actually quite simple.

As a child and a teenager, I wanted to keep a diary or a journal, but was never able to keep up the habit. I eventually stopped trying and never really thought about it again until I discovered blogging in my mid-twenties. Here, suddenly, was a medium that appealed to me, and as the days and months passed, I found that I was able to write for other people in a way that I couldn’t write for myself. Even in my early days of blogging, back in the mid-noughties, when days would go by with only a handful of hits, I kept writing. Politics, humour, memes self-analysis, personal anecdotes… it was all there. And I found it a release. Expressing myself became easy, even though I stuck to general issues, rarely posted anything too personal.

That blog has long since died a death. The only record now exists in some back up files on my old laptop, which I can’t get to work.

This blog, by contrast, has been a lot more personal, largely because of the security that comes from its anonymity. Ok, so it’s not completely anonymous, but my real name doesn’t feature!

And what I’m doing is a lot more personal as well, even if everything is up in the air. Growing your own veg, producing your own eggs and pork necessarily forces you to be more in touch with who you are. When you kill a chicken, pluck it, draw out its guts and then cook it and eat it, you get to know who you are.

But writing about it?

I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s something that I’m drawn to. I view my blog as a journal, a record of my life, and to skirt around or ignore the issues and events that most affect me, whether it’s the birth of a new litter of piglets or facing up to the need to take anti-depressants, would cause problems for me. To not be able to blog about certain subjects would render the blog useless as I simply wouldn’t write it at all. (It occurs to me that this explains my absence for most of November and December…)

Now is a time when I need to write, to express myself, to gather my thoughts and put them in some sort of order. And a lifetime of trying demonstrates that I need to do it for other people, whether they read it or not. I don’t know what that says about me, but at this point in time, I really don’t care.

What I don’t know is how open I will be about the specifics. Some of the bloggers whose writings I follow are extremely open about their lives, the good, the bad and the tragic.

I don’t know if I would ever feel comfortable being that open, so bear with me if you don’t understand what I’m talking about, if I refer to things without ever explaining them. I’ve got a bumpy road ahead but in the spirit of keeping faith with those who tell me that I can do this, I am currently determined to weather all storms, to stand firm in the face of adversity … and so on and so forth, til I run out of metaphors and readers!

Remind me, will you? Remind me that optimism and hope, even in the darkest hours of the darkest night, can cast the strongest light into the shadows, that the world is filled with wonder and delight. Remind me what it’s like to hug a friend, to feel the love radiating from my dogs, what it’s like to stand in the snow, to see the sunrise, to sit outside on a hot summer’s day, to sit indoors on a cold winter’s night in front of an open fire, to … well, you get the picture 🙂