Archive for February 19th, 2010

To weep is to make less the depth of grief

I’ve just been informed that I look like “a woman who has spent the afternoon sobbing” … which is far enough, as that’s pretty much how I did indeed spend the afternoon.

I now feel drained, empty and exhausted.

Which has to be better than the agony I was in earlier.

I’m trying to think of a way to describe it but words fail me. It just hurt. As did the crying. Great sobs that racked my body, tore at my throat, burned my eyes.

Ugh, I hate crying. Even if you don’t have a cold, you produce enough snot to drench several trees in tissues. And then you get a headache. And look like shit. And feel drained, empty and exhausted – and unable to articulate how you feel – or understand why you feel like that.

But I thought this would be an interesting experiment to address just that – how do I feel? And why?

I feel … as though I am at the bottom of a pecking order, as though I am a lesser being, that any crap that comes my way is a fair cop, guv. It’s ok for others to treat me as they please because that’s my role, that’s how it works. In any hierarchy, there are those at the top and those who aren’t and what I really feel, what’s at the crux of everything, is that I need to accept this, to learn to live with it, that fighting it is futile, that the sooner I shut up and put up, the easier all this will be…

True or not (and I’m not fishing for compliments here), that’s what I see when I look in the mirror and it’s no different if I look into myself.

In fact, I did that a while ago and saw … well, I’ll leave that for another day as describing it is beyond me at the moment.