To weep is to make less the depth of grief

I’ve just been informed that I look like “a woman who has spent the afternoon sobbing” … which is far enough, as that’s pretty much how I did indeed spend the afternoon.

I now feel drained, empty and exhausted.

Which has to be better than the agony I was in earlier.

I’m trying to think of a way to describe it but words fail me. It just hurt. As did the crying. Great sobs that racked my body, tore at my throat, burned my eyes.

Ugh, I hate crying. Even if you don’t have a cold, you produce enough snot to drench several trees in tissues. And then you get a headache. And look like shit. And feel drained, empty and exhausted – and unable to articulate how you feel – or understand why you feel like that.

But I thought this would be an interesting experiment to address just that – how do I feel? And why?

I feel … as though I am at the bottom of a pecking order, as though I am a lesser being, that any crap that comes my way is a fair cop, guv. It’s ok for others to treat me as they please because that’s my role, that’s how it works. In any hierarchy, there are those at the top and those who aren’t and what I really feel, what’s at the crux of everything, is that I need to accept this, to learn to live with it, that fighting it is futile, that the sooner I shut up and put up, the easier all this will be…

True or not (and I’m not fishing for compliments here), that’s what I see when I look in the mirror and it’s no different if I look into myself.

In fact, I did that a while ago and saw … well, I’ll leave that for another day as describing it is beyond me at the moment.

10 responses to this post.

  1. And that, my dear, is bollocks.

    That is NOT how it works; and people who make you feel as if that is how it works should fuck off out of your life and leave you the hell alone. The journey that you are on is forcing you look at your entire life and the things that have happened to you and they way people have treated you; and re-evaluate that in the light of your discovery that *actually* you are a person who is worth something, who is worth loving and worth respecting.

    I suspect that for many years you have been ignoring the fact that people *do* like you, they *do* value you and that they *do* think you are a loveable person. The overt demonstrations of love, support and friendship you are getting at the moment from all sides and friends old and new are simply not something that you can ignore any longer – and so you are having to re-evaluate your entire self-image.

    Cry all you like. People aren’t going to give up and go away just because you have discovered that you ARE worth something.

  2. Posted by Jan on 19 February 2010 at 7:58 pm

    I shall second all that Ally said, because it’s true! I imagine that blogging how you’re feeling may well be a good outlet for stuff. So do it whenever you feel like it, we shall all be here, ready to listen, because you’re worth listening to.

  3. BMS I don’t *know* you.. I found your blog and instantly liked you through what I read. You made me laugh, you made me think , I empathised with your love of animals. I like you as the person I think/know you are – I have no pre judgement. Your posts on forums are funny, caring, knowledgeable. That’s who you are.

    Hang on in there it’s a long difficult road ahead but you have friends .

  4. Posted by ros on 19 February 2010 at 8:16 pm

    I know. I understand. been there done that.
    But I didn’t have your talent for writing – and that is some talent you have there girl!

    I bet that you are damned good at a whole host of other stuff too.
    crying is good, analysing is good. Too much of either isn’t.

    no advice honey, you have to climb out of this your way – but I’m willing to bet you will find your way soon.

    willing you strength

  5. And I’ll third what Ally says. You are a very special person with special qualities that shine from you in abundance. You do not have to accept that how you are now is how it will always be because it will get better. You have a long journey ahead of you – it’s called a life and you will be able to enjoy it, together with the many friends you have. You may not believe this just now but in time you will see that life can be good – YOUR life can and will be good. Rosie xx

  6. Posted by compostwoman on 20 February 2010 at 12:50 am

    You are NOT, how you feel at the moment.

    Trust me. It can and will get better. And telling us about it may well ( if you feel it does) be of huge help.

    I wish I could give you a real hug, a drink, a back rub, some jam, some cuddles…you get the idea!

    But all I can do is send you love and good wishes for a better day tomorrow.

    I HAVE been in a similar place to you…and it DOES get better, I promise…it may take time but it does get better…

    much love S x

  7. Hey Jo, round two of crackpot tips from me 🙂 As ever, take them or leave them as you like.

    It’s easy to be told you shouldn’t feel as you do – that people love you, that you’re a great person, that you enrich the lives of those around you. Whether or not it’s true (and I happen to believe it is) that’s not how you feel right now.

    You know what? You’re allowed to feel whatever the fuck you feel. The only reason to change how you feel is because you want to feel differently. The difference between someone who has depression and someone who pathologises their mental health is the desire to be well. You don’t have to *feel* well, just want to not feel as you do at the moment. Because with that, buried somewhere deep, is the tiniest kernel of *what you want* which is something, I’m guessing, you don’t prioritise very often.

    Note that wanting to feel differently is not the same as believing you deserve to feel differently. If you feel rubbish and believe that how you feel is deserved, that doesn’t mean you can’t want to deserve different and then feel different.

    All of this is potted nonsense really – you feel crap. There’s nothing anyone else can do to change that, and I’m guessing you don’t want to change that at times (maybe right now). I guess I just want to point out that a) it can be changed, b) you can change it, and c) everything that falls bounces, at least a little.

    The only thing worse than feeling crap, is feeling crap and pretending you don’t. xxx

  8. Lesser being? I bet Snipe and Midge would disagree…

    Sorry you’re going through all this. But it’s good (maybe?) that you can blog about it, if it makes you feel any better.

  9. Keep blogging away and know that there are people who, though they’ve never met you in person, do care about you.

    One must hit absolute rock bottom before one can look up and see the top of the well. After that, the climb out of the pit begins. If need be, we’ll be here holding the rope for you to climb up and out.

    Sometimes, when life is overwhelming, a good cry is good medicine–at least it is for me.

  10. I know just how you feel. I also know that when you’re feeling like that, it doesn’t matter how many of us come along and tell you we love you and that you’re great, you probably won’t feel better. But you will feel better in time, so just bear in mind all the messages of love and support, and then on a better day you’ll feel a little bit of fuzzy warmth inside, just knowing that so many people care and really value you. Even when you find it hard to value yourself, it’s heartening to know that other people think that there is a point and a place for us in the world.

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