Posts Tagged ‘cutting’

The cutting edge of depression

I self-harm.

There, I’ve said it.

*takes large gulp of coffee*

Earlier this afternoon, I published a post about self-harm on one of the web forums I frequent. Having seen the response from my ‘friends’ on the forum, I have decided to take the plunge and be a bit more open on here about some of the shit I’m going through. Why? Because then I can actually write about what I’m feeling, and therefore use my blog as another medium to express myself.

Also, because I suspect that the issue is a lot more widespread than any of us could imagine, but no-one talks about it. Self-harm is viewed as a shameful secret and while I concede it is an uncomfortable subject, a lack of understanding is no reason to make it a taboo subject.

Maybe if more of us who are going through it, or have done so, were open about it, there’d be less stigma? Just a theory…

Without going into details about the whys and wherefores, I suffer from PTSD and depression and as a consequence, am subject to panic attacks and crippling flashbacks that, apart from their incapacitating nature, throw me “off” and leave me feeling emotionally bruised and bashed and generally incapable of doing the most basic things. This morning, for example, I was unable to get up and couldn’t even walk the dogs.

In the past, one of my coping mechanisms was booze and it’s safe to say that I was rapidly becoming dependent on the habit. Thankfully, I was able to stop drinking but over the past few months, I have come to rely on cutting as a means of expressing myself and finding release.

This was working for me but I now feel as though it’s getting out of control. No, scrap that, it is getting out of control and I’m no longer able to manage the cutting itself.

I’ve tried all the obvious stuff like putting my hands in cold / hot water etc but they don’t work. It’s the act of cutting that I’ve been relying on and that’s what I need to address. Even things like going for a walk don’t always work – on Saturday I went for a three mile walk and then walked straight into my bathroom and picked up my knife.

So, the hunt is on the find an alternative way for me to express what I need to express, to articulate the pain, to release the emotions I can’t get out in any other way, without being self-destructive.

Is this possible?

I don’t know.

But I do know that the four month wait for CBT is one hell of a long time, when I frequently struggle to get from one hour to the next…

~Sorry this was such heavy reading for a wet and miserable Thursday afternoon!

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