What’s in your bathroom cabinet?!

Last week was particularly rubbish – so much so that I had a home visit (yes, you read that right!) from one of the GPs at my surgery. I’d not seen him before but I liked him, mainly because he had a no-nonsense approach to people (“well, if that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel”) and didn’t bat an eyelid at the fact that having greeted him, Snipe firmly positioned herself between his chair and the bed, just in case. I love my dog!

Anyway, Dr T has put me on yet more drugs – but these ones have a street value, which being the country bumpkin that I am, amuses me no end. My bathroom cabinet is now home to Lorazepam (sleeping tablets and anti-anxiety) and Propranolol (anti-anxiety / panic). The Lorazepam doesn’t seem to work very well, or at least that’s my assessment of a sleeping pill that takes over two hours to knock me out. Unless it’s not meant to do that? Hmmm…

However, I am rather fond of it, if only because it’s the only thing I’ve taken thus far that I can actually pronounce 😳

In other news, I have got a psychological assessment thing coming up later in the month – and I am officially Sick And Tired of paperwork and forms.

AND … despite ordered broadband over a month ago, Talk Talk now tell me that mine won’t be active for another week or so. I now rather grumpy but was forced to conclude that even if I cancelled my order, I wouldn’t get broadband from anyone else before then, so I’m stuck with them. And horribly internet-less.

Grrrr.

Talk Talk can, quite frankly, go and talk talk to my arse.

The private vs the public

It’s the early hours of the morning and after two nights of sleep, my insomnia is back. I would take the dogs for a walk in the snow but I’m now in a built up area, rather than the rural peace and tranquillity of Somerset, so staying in doors seems like the wisest course of action.

And so, some bad TV and the internet.

And over the past hour or so, re-reading the lovely comments some of you have left regarding my last post, not to mention the texts and Facebook messages, I have found myself wondering why I felt the need to blog about the anti-depressants.

And after dismissing several theories, I have decided that my motivation is actually quite simple.

As a child and a teenager, I wanted to keep a diary or a journal, but was never able to keep up the habit. I eventually stopped trying and never really thought about it again until I discovered blogging in my mid-twenties. Here, suddenly, was a medium that appealed to me, and as the days and months passed, I found that I was able to write for other people in a way that I couldn’t write for myself. Even in my early days of blogging, back in the mid-noughties, when days would go by with only a handful of hits, I kept writing. Politics, humour, memes self-analysis, personal anecdotes… it was all there. And I found it a release. Expressing myself became easy, even though I stuck to general issues, rarely posted anything too personal.

That blog has long since died a death. The only record now exists in some back up files on my old laptop, which I can’t get to work.

This blog, by contrast, has been a lot more personal, largely because of the security that comes from its anonymity. Ok, so it’s not completely anonymous, but my real name doesn’t feature!

And what I’m doing is a lot more personal as well, even if everything is up in the air. Growing your own veg, producing your own eggs and pork necessarily forces you to be more in touch with who you are. When you kill a chicken, pluck it, draw out its guts and then cook it and eat it, you get to know who you are.

But writing about it?

I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s something that I’m drawn to. I view my blog as a journal, a record of my life, and to skirt around or ignore the issues and events that most affect me, whether it’s the birth of a new litter of piglets or facing up to the need to take anti-depressants, would cause problems for me. To not be able to blog about certain subjects would render the blog useless as I simply wouldn’t write it at all. (It occurs to me that this explains my absence for most of November and December…)

Now is a time when I need to write, to express myself, to gather my thoughts and put them in some sort of order. And a lifetime of trying demonstrates that I need to do it for other people, whether they read it or not. I don’t know what that says about me, but at this point in time, I really don’t care.

What I don’t know is how open I will be about the specifics. Some of the bloggers whose writings I follow are extremely open about their lives, the good, the bad and the tragic.

I don’t know if I would ever feel comfortable being that open, so bear with me if you don’t understand what I’m talking about, if I refer to things without ever explaining them. I’ve got a bumpy road ahead but in the spirit of keeping faith with those who tell me that I can do this, I am currently determined to weather all storms, to stand firm in the face of adversity … and so on and so forth, til I run out of metaphors and readers!

Remind me, will you? Remind me that optimism and hope, even in the darkest hours of the darkest night, can cast the strongest light into the shadows, that the world is filled with wonder and delight. Remind me what it’s like to hug a friend, to feel the love radiating from my dogs, what it’s like to stand in the snow, to see the sunrise, to sit outside on a hot summer’s day, to sit indoors on a cold winter’s night in front of an open fire, to … well, you get the picture 🙂

Why be ashamed?

For various reasons that I’m not going into here, I have just started taking citalopram, which is an anti-depressant drug, specifically a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. No, I don’t know what that means either, other than the fact that my brain chemistry has gone a bit wonky and cit-a-thingy will poke around, do some jiggling, and will eventually make things right. A happy pill.

This is Day 2 of my cit-a-thingy regime and it takes 2-4 weeks for the drug to start working, though the side effects have already begun. I currently feel nauseous, have a pounding headache, a dry mouth, and even though it’s freezing outside, I’m far too warm, though I don’t have a temperature and am not sick. I was extremely drowsy earlier, which I refused to give in to on the grounds that getting some sleep tonight would be a good plan.

There’s actually quite a long list of potential side effects.

Knowing my luck, I’ll end up experiencing the lot!!

I probably should have gone to the doctor much earlier, but didn’t, and practically had to be dragged kicking and screaming, but even though I physically feel much worse, I know that this will help. At least that’s what everyone is telling me and that’s what I’m choosing to believe.

I’ve got enough for 28 days, and have promised Ally that I’ll try them for at least a fortnight. If I still feel like this, then I’ll use the rest to come off them since I still want to hide under a table and never come out, only it’s now for different reasons!

Erm … hiding under tables?

Quite.

That wasn’t me.

No really.

Ok, it might have been someone who looked like me…

And it was only the once.

And it wasn’t even a table, but a worktop…

As you know from my previous posts, I’ve been down in Somerset for a week or two. Sadly, it wasn’t really a holiday for anyone, least of all Ally and B who had to contend with a gibbering wreck in their living room over the festive season. Their kids seemed to enjoy it, though!

I finally came back to Wales last night though I haven’t made it as far as the flat, choosing to hide out at another friend’s for the time being.

The guys who own the field I rent have been looking after the pigs for me, which is a situation I’m hoping to resolve ASAP. If you want a Kune Kune for the freezer, do say…

I wasn’t going to mention this whole at all, but the more I thought about it, the more ridiculous that seems. Admittedly, there’s some stuff I’m keeping to myself, but in general, I don’t have a problem with anyone else knowing the basic story. And maybe if more people spoke about feeling this low and the steps they’re taking to address that, maybe more people would be more sympathetic.

Besides, if I’m keeping it all a big secret, how else am I going to moan and groan about the physical side effects of cit-a-thingy?!

That’s all for now, folks. Next time, on Sunshine’s Secret Secrets…